Arguments are a natural part of any relationship. The absence of arguments is sometimes a bigger cause of concern. When working with couples in relationship counselling, I often find that a couple’s ability to resolve arguments becomes the criteria for predicting their relationship success.

Understanding arguments – why they happen, how they happen and what to do about them can help have healthier arguments and lead to better relationships. Relationship counselling is often helpful in doing this. In this article, I explore why couples argue.

The difference – attraction or irritation

Two people from different backgrounds, different upbringing, perhaps different culture or micro culture, perhaps different gender, and many other differences are bound to clash at some point. It is inevitable.

The difference between the two partners is part of the attraction at the start of the relationship. The introvert likes being in a relationship with the extrovert. The thinker likes being in a relationship with the explorer and so on.

Over time, the attraction is replaced with irritation. The introvert returns to its comfort zone and the extrovert wants to go out more. And they get irritated with each other over the inability of the other person to see the world from their eyes.

Content and Process

The couple don’t know how to separate the content from the process. Relationship counselling is again very helpful in helping the couple see this. Content is the subject of the argument, and process is what the what the argument is really about. For example, the argument may be about who loads the dishwasher, but it is really about the unfairness of the workload one person might feel.

Role of relationship counselling

With not enough objectivity in the relationship, it is difficult to separate content from process. You end up pulling your hair out because you get caught up in the right way to do things and the wrong way to do things. Rather than understanding each other and collaborating on a solution that works for both, the argument gets polarised. Whatever you were arguing about gets lost when you feel unheard and ununderstood. Relationship counselling can bring objectivity to your conversations and help you understand each other.

How I can help you

I can help you with relationship counselling needs for couples and families in my office in Central London and in West London. I also provide relationship counselling online on Zoom, Microsoft Teams, and other mediums.